A Grief Moment

Written by Tiff | A Grief Moment

When I first became interested in studying grief, I remember briefly considering starting a podcast where I could simply talk about grief and explore the subject. At the time, I was thinking about building a platform without fully understanding the magnitude of what grief encompasses or how differently it can be experienced.

I was primarily associating grief with bereavement and mourning the death of a loved one. When I thought about grief, I thought about death. And understandably, the death of someone we love is one of the most recognizable experiences of grief. It is a loss that many of us will encounter at some point in our lives.

But as I continued reading and researching, I began to understand that grief extends beyond the death of a loved one. We can experience grief in response to lost relationships, lost experiences, changes in our circumstances, and moments in life that we cannot get back. Grief can accompany the loss of familiarity, belonging, and the life we once knew.

I eventually stepped back from the idea of starting that podcast. This was around 2021, during the COVID-19 pandemic, when I began taking a closer look at the subject. Over the years, I have continued educating myself, and I can honestly say that the more I learn about grief, the more I recognize how much there is still to understand.

I do not know that I will ever reach a point where I feel I have completely understood grief. And perhaps that is part of what makes this journey meaningful. I want to continue learning because I want to approach other people’s experiences with empathy and humility. I know that I do not have to experience the exact same loss as another person to recognize that they are going through something significant. But I also know that I cannot assume I understand what someone else is feeling simply because I have experienced loss myself.

I want to be thoughtful about what I say, what I share, and what I believe I understand. I want to speak from what I have learned rather than what I assume. And as I continue this journey, I am finding that studying grief is changing not only what I know, but also how I see the people around me.

Recently, I found myself reflecting on something as ordinary as saying goodbye.

We Don’t All Say Goodbye the Same Way

I have a close friend who becomes very emotional when it is time to leave for a trip. Even when she will only be away for a few days, saying goodbye is not an easy experience for her. She does not like being apart from the people she loves, and I have noticed that the process of leaving carries an emotional weight for her.

For her, even packing can be a personal experience. It is almost as though the act of preparing to leave brings the separation closer. When it is finally time to say goodbye, she takes her time. She expresses affection, offers compliments, and makes the moment feel meaningful.

My approach is different.

When I am preparing for a trip, I tend to focus on the trip itself. I think about getting everything ready, making the journey, enjoying my time away, and eventually returning home. I do not typically spend much time thinking about the goodbye. For me, it is usually a casual exchange, accompanied by the expectation that I will see the person again.

I never really stopped to think about how differently we experience these moments until recently.

As I have continued studying grief, I have found myself looking at ordinary interactions through a different lens. I have become more curious about what certain moments might mean to another person, even when those moments do not carry the same meaning for me.

I began wondering what my friend’s goodbye represents to her. Is it simply that she will miss the people she loves? Is it the discomfort of being apart? Is there something about the transition itself that makes the moment emotional? Perhaps she is especially intentional about cherishing the time she has with the people around her.

I cannot answer those questions for her. I can only recognize that her experience is different from mine, and that difference has given me something to reflect on.

The Goodbye We Don’t Know Is Our Last

There is something different about saying goodbye when we expect to see someone again and saying goodbye when we do not know that we are seeing them for the last time.

Most of our goodbyes are ordinary. We say goodbye before going to work, leaving a friend’s house, ending a phone call, or heading out of town. We leave with the expectation that there will be another conversation, another visit, another opportunity to sit together and catch up.

We do not usually stop to consider that a particular goodbye might be the last.

But when someone dies unexpectedly, those ordinary moments can take on a different meaning. A person may leave home to run an errand, go to work, visit a friend, or carry on with an otherwise ordinary day, never knowing that they will not return.

Their loved ones may later find themselves thinking about the last conversation they shared, the last time they saw each other, or the last words they exchanged.

Sometimes, there is no opportunity to prepare for the loss. There is no final conversation, no chance to express everything left unsaid, and no opportunity to say goodbye with the knowledge that it is goodbye.

And that is something I find myself thinking about.

We often hear stories of people who lose someone unexpectedly and say they never imagined that the last time they saw their loved one would be the last. They did not know that an ordinary moment would become a final memory.

How could they have known?

We go about our lives assuming that there will be another opportunity. And most of the time, that assumption allows us to live without constantly thinking about the possibility of loss. We do not approach every departure as a permanent separation, and perhaps we could not live comfortably if we did.

Still, there is something sobering about recognizing that we cannot always know when a goodbye is final.

Should We Treat Every Day Like It’s Our Last?

There is an expression we hear often: live each day as though it were your last.

I understand the sentiment behind it. We are encouraged to appreciate the people in our lives, express our love, make meaningful memories, and avoid taking our relationships for granted.

But as I reflect on the meaning of goodbye, I find myself asking a different question.

How do we treat each day as though it matters without constantly thinking about the possibility that it could be our last?

If we remind ourselves every time we leave someone that we might never see them again, could that awareness make us more intentional about our relationships? Or could it leave us anxious, anticipating a loss that has not happened?

Would we begin to experience ordinary moments differently, or would we find ourselves struggling to enjoy those moments because we were already thinking about losing them?

I do not have the answers to these questions.

I recognize the importance of appreciating the people in our lives, but I also recognize that we cannot live every day anticipating the worst. We cannot know every outcome, prevent every loss, or guarantee that we will always have the opportunity to say what we want to say.

Perhaps treating each day as though it matters does not require us to think of every encounter as a potential last encounter. Perhaps it means being present enough to recognize the value of the people and experiences we have today, without allowing the uncertainty of tomorrow to take away from them.

Maybe it means listening a little more closely, expressing appreciation when we feel it, making time for the people who matter to us, and being mindful of how we treat one another.

Not because we know when our last goodbye will come, but because our relationships matter while we are living them.

A Moment to Reflect

My friend and I may continue to approach goodbyes differently. She may continue to take her time, express her affection, and feel the weight of separation. I may continue to say goodbye casually, expecting that our paths will cross again.

Neither approach has to be wrong for the other to be meaningful.

What studying grief has taught me is that there may be more beneath an experience than what I can immediately see. It has encouraged me to pause, to become curious, and to consider that something I experience as ordinary may carry a much deeper meaning for someone else.

And perhaps that is what I am learning about grief beyond the loss itself. It is not only about what happens when someone dies. It is also about how we understand our relationships, how we experience separation, and how we make sense of the moments that become meaningful to us.

I find myself returning to the goodbye because it is something we all experience, yet we cannot always know what a particular goodbye will eventually mean.

We say, “I’ll see you later,” believing there will be a later. We say, “Talk to you soon,” expecting another conversation. We leave with the comfort of believing that the relationship will continue just as it always has.

And most of the time, it does.

But sometimes, there is no next time.

So I am left wondering: How do we learn to appreciate the people in our lives without living in fear of losing them? How do we remain present in our relationships while accepting that we cannot predict what tomorrow will bring?

Perhaps there is no perfect way to say goodbye. Perhaps there is no way to prepare ourselves for every loss or to ensure that we will never have words left unsaid.

But perhaps there is value in becoming more mindful of the time we do have with one another.

Not every goodbye needs to be emotional. Not every departure needs to become a moment of reflection. And we do not need to live as though loss is always around the corner.

Still, the next time I say goodbye to someone I care about, I may think a little differently about that moment.

Not because I expect it to be the last.

But because I am learning that ordinary moments can hold a significance we do not always recognize while we are living them.

And sometimes, the goodbye we never thought twice about is the one we eventually wish we could have again.

Give yourself a moment to pause, reflect, and process.

What does saying goodbye mean to you? Have you ever looked back on an ordinary goodbye differently after experiencing a loss?