Written by Tiff | A Grief Moment
Have you ever heard someone say that grief has five stages?
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
Many of us have heard these words before. Some of us may even use them to explain what happens when a person experiences a loss.
But have you ever stopped to think about what these stages actually mean? Or whether everyone experiences grief that way?
Let’s talk about that.
Over the years, researchers have developed different theories and models to help us understand grief. These frameworks give us ways to explore how people respond to loss, how they adjust to changes in their lives, and how they learn to live with what has happened.
But here’s something important to understand: a theory or model is a way of understanding grief. It is not a set of rules that every grieving person must follow.
Let’s look at a few approaches that have shaped our understanding.
The Five Stages of Grief
Developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five-stage model introduced the concepts of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Kübler-Ross originally developed this framework through her work with people facing terminal illness. Over time, the model became widely associated with grief following the death of a loved one.
You may recognize some of these experiences in yourself or someone you know. A person might struggle to accept a loss, feel angry about what happened, wonder what could have been done differently, experience deep sadness, or gradually acknowledge the reality of the loss.
However, research has raised important questions about treating these experiences as predictable stages of bereavement.
Not everyone experiences all five. They do not necessarily occur in a particular order, and acceptance is not a deadline that someone must reach to prove they are healing.
The model has historical significance, but it should not be used to tell people how they are supposed to grieve (Avis, Stroebe, & Schut, 2021).
The Dual Process Model
Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut developed the Dual Process Model to help explain how people cope with bereavement.
This model recognizes that grieving can involve moving between two kinds of experiences.
One is loss-oriented coping. This may involve missing the person who died, confronting painful memories, or trying to understand the loss.
The other is restoration-oriented coping. This involves adjusting to the changes the loss brings, such as managing responsibilities, rebuilding routines, or learning how to navigate everyday life without the person who died.
People may move between these experiences. They might spend one day talking about the person they lost and another day focusing on work, family, or ordinary responsibilities.
Neither experience cancels out the other.
Taking a break from grief does not mean a person has forgotten their loved one. And having a difficult day after a better one does not automatically mean they are moving backward.
This model helps us understand why grief can involve both confronting a loss and finding moments of respite from it (Stroebe & Schut, 1999).
Worden’s Tasks of Mourning
Psychologist J. William Worden offered another way to understand bereavement by focusing on tasks that people may work through as they adjust to a death.
These include acknowledging the reality of the loss, experiencing and processing the pain of grief, adjusting to a life changed by the death, and finding ways to maintain a connection with the person who died while continuing to live.
Think about that last part for a moment.
Moving forward does not have to mean leaving someone behind.
People may continue to carry memories, traditions, lessons, and parts of their relationship with the person who died. Their lives may change, but the meaning of that relationship can remain.
Worden’s framework gives us a way to consider the work of mourning without assuming that every person will experience grief in exactly the same way (Worden, 1996).
Why Do These Models Matter?
Because the way we understand grief can influence the way we respond to people who are grieving.
If we believe everyone must move through the same stages, we might question someone who is not experiencing them.
If we believe grief should follow a predictable timeline, we might mistake a difficult day for a lack of progress.
And if we believe moving forward means letting go completely, we might overlook the many ways people continue to find meaning in their relationships after a death.
These models remind us that grief is complex. No single framework explains every person’s experience, every kind of loss, or every influence that shapes the grieving process.
The goal is not to find the perfect model and fit every person into it.
The goal is to understand people better.
Because behind every theory is a human experience, and behind every experience is a person whose loss, relationships, culture, circumstances, and needs deserve to be understood.
Grief is not a test you pass by following the right steps. Understanding grief means making room for the many ways people experience loss, find meaning, and learn to live with what has changed.
Give yourself a moment to pause, reflect, and process. 💙
Sources
- Avis, K. A., Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2021). Stages of grief portrayed on the Internet: A systematic analysis and critical appraisal. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, Article 772696. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.772696
- Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
- Worden, J. W. (1996). Tasks and mediators of mourning: A guideline for the mental health practitioner. In Session: Psychotherapy in Practice, 2(4), 73–80. https://doi.org/10.1002/(SICI)1520-6572(199624)2:4%3C73::AID-SESS7%3E3.0.CO;2-9
- Fiore, J. (2021). A systematic review of the Dual Process Model of Coping With Bereavement (1999–2016). OMEGA: Journal of Death and Dying, 84(2), 414–458. https://doi.org/10.1177/0030222819893139
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