A Grief Moment

Written by Tiff | A Grief Moment

Have you ever wondered why grief can feel manageable one day and overwhelming the next?

You might wake up feeling okay, go to work, laugh with someone, run errands, and carry on with your day. Then something happens. A song comes on. You see a familiar place. Someone mentions a name. Suddenly, you’re reminded of what you’ve lost, and the feelings come rushing back.

You might even find yourself wondering, I thought I was doing better. Why am I feeling this way again?

Let’s talk about that.

Grief does not follow a straight line.

Research on grief and bereavement shows that coping with loss involves a dynamic process. One important explanation is the Dual Process Model developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut (1999).

According to this model, people often move back and forth between two kinds of experiences.

One involves confronting the loss itself. This may include missing someone, remembering what you shared, feeling sadness, experiencing anger, or trying to make sense of what happened.

The other involves adjusting to life after the loss. This might mean returning to work, managing responsibilities, learning to live with changes, rebuilding routines, or figuring out who you are in a life that no longer looks the same.

And here’s something important: both are part of the process.

You may spend one day thinking about the person or experience you’ve lost and another day focusing on everything you need to do to keep your life moving.

You might have moments when you want to talk about your loss, followed by moments when you simply want to do something else.

You might laugh today and cry tomorrow.

You might feel like you’re making progress, only to find yourself struggling again when a memory catches you off guard.

That does not automatically mean you’re going backward.

Sometimes, you’re responding to a reminder. Sometimes, you’re facing another part of the loss. And sometimes, you simply need a break from carrying the emotional weight of it all.

Stroebe and Schut’s model recognizes that people may alternate between confronting the loss and taking a break from it while adjusting to the changes it brings (Stroebe & Schut, 1999).

Think about that for a moment.

We still have lives to live while we’re grieving.

We have responsibilities, relationships, bills, children, work, and everyday decisions to make. We may be trying to understand what happened while also figuring out how to move forward.

And sometimes, we do both in the same day.

This is why I think it’s important to give ourselves permission to experience grief without expecting ourselves to respond to it the same way every day.

You don’t have to feel sad every moment to prove that something mattered to you.

You don’t have to be okay every day to prove that you’re making progress.

And you don’t have to rush yourself through the experience because someone else thinks you should be further along by now.

Grief is personal. The meaning of the loss, your relationship to what was lost, your circumstances, and the support available to you can all influence how you experience it.

Understanding grief means recognizing that there isn’t one universal timetable for how a person should feel or how quickly they should adjust.

So, if you’re grieving and some days feel easier than others, give yourself some grace.

If you’ve had a difficult day after several better ones, allow yourself to acknowledge that, too.

You don’t have to turn every difficult moment into a sign that you’re failing to heal.

Sometimes, you need to feel what you’re feeling. Sometimes, you need to focus on the next thing in front of you. And sometimes, you need to stop and give yourself the space to understand what you’re carrying.

This is why it’s important to pause, reflect, and process.

Because understanding how grief works can help us become a little more patient with ourselves and a little more compassionate toward others.

Healing isn’t about proving that you’ve stopped hurting. It’s about learning how to live with what has changed, while allowing yourself the space to feel what that change means.

Sources

Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046

Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Models of coping with bereavement: An updated overview. Studies in Psychology, 38(3), 582–607. https://doi.org/10.1080/02109395.2017.1340055