A Grief Moment

Written by Tiff | A Grief Moment

In 2021, I was introduced to multiple myeloma, a type of blood cancer that begins in plasma cells, a type of white blood cell found in the bone marrow. These cells normally help the body fight infection by producing antibodies. With multiple myeloma, abnormal plasma cells multiply and can interfere with the production of healthy blood cells, weaken bones, and affect other parts of the body.

I had just finished casting my vote before joining a family group call in which my mother and father shared the news. My father had been diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

On that call were my mother, my father, my brother, my two sisters, and me. We all heard the same news, but we didn’t all receive it the same way. And as I write this reflection today, we are still dealing with it differently.

I had a hard time separating the news of my father’s diagnosis from the time in which we received it. We were still in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, and there was so much death being reported in the media. It was hard not to think about losing him. The thought of his illness being terminal, and what that might mean for our family, was a fear I definitely had to navigate.

Today, I want to talk to you about anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief is the grief that can arise when we anticipate a possible future loss. It can happen when someone we love is living with a serious illness and we begin to think about the possibility of life without them. It can also involve grieving the changes that are happening while they are still here.

Sometimes, we begin grieving before we fully understand what we are grieving.

We may experience fear, sadness, anger, anxiety, denial, or avoidance. We may find ourselves trying to prepare for the worst while desperately hoping for the best. We may focus on being strong for our family, keep ourselves busy to avoid difficult thoughts, or struggle to accept the reality of what is happening.

And sometimes, we move between these responses without even realizing it.

Although these emotions may resemble responses associated with other forms of grief, grief does not follow a universal set of stages. We don’t all experience the same emotions, in the same order, or at the same pace.

I think about my own experience with my father’s diagnosis and how difficult it has been at times to watch him go through changes. There have been moments when I have struggled to take in the reality of what is happening. I have questioned whether I was experiencing denial. I have also continued to pray for my father daily, holding on to my faith and hope while acknowledging that the uncertainty is still there.

Because the truth is, you can have faith and still be afraid.

You can pray for healing and still worry about the future. You can remain hopeful while struggling with thoughts you wish you didn’t have. You can want to be strong for the people you love and still need time to process what you are experiencing yourself.

And I imagine that many people navigating a loved one’s illness can relate to some part of this experience.

What has stayed with me is how differently my siblings and I have responded to our father’s diagnosis. We share the same father, yet our emotions, our relationships with him, and our ways of coping are not identical.

One person may want to talk about the illness, while another may find those conversations difficult. Someone may seek information and try to prepare for what lies ahead, while someone else may avoid thinking too far into the future. One person may openly express fear, while another may keep those feelings private.

We cannot always see what is happening beneath another person’s response. And we should be careful not to assume that someone who appears strong is not hurting, or that someone who avoids the conversation does not care.

Sometimes, the person who seems to be handling everything may be struggling privately. Sometimes, the person who cannot talk about the illness may be overwhelmed by what it means to them.

The same diagnosis can affect an entire family, but each family member has their own emotional experience to navigate.

This is why I believe it is important to acknowledge anticipatory grief. When someone we love becomes seriously ill, our attention naturally turns toward them and what they need. We may focus on their health, their treatment, and their well-being while trying to make sense of our own emotions.

But it’s also important to be in tune with how we’re feeling and to take care of ourselves throughout the process. Acknowledging our fears, talking about our emotions, and allowing ourselves time to process what is happening can be healthy parts of navigating a loved one’s illness. We can show up for someone we love while also recognizing that the experience is affecting us, too.

And if you’re walking alongside someone you love through an illness, remember that you don’t have to process everything at once. Give yourself and the people around you room to respond in your own ways, and remember that support may look different for each person.

I’m not sure if this resonates with something you may have experienced, but I hope these words help someone recognize and better understand what they may be feeling. Perhaps you have received difficult news about a parent, a sibling, a partner, or another person you love. Or perhaps you know someone who is navigating this experience and could benefit from understanding anticipatory grief.

Does this resonate with you? Do you know someone who could benefit from this information? If so, please consider sharing this post with them.

And if you are walking alongside someone you love through an illness, remember that you don’t have to wait until goodbye to acknowledge your grief, and you don’t have to navigate the uncertainty alone.

References

1. National Cancer Institute. (n.d.). Multiple myeloma. https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/multiple-myeloma
2. Singer, J., et al. (2022). An examination and proposed definitions of family members’ grief prior to the death of individuals with a life-limiting illness: A systematic review. Palliative Medicine, 36(4), 581–608. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10098140/
3. Associations Between Media Exposure and Mental Distress Among U.S. Adults at the Beginning of the COVID-19 Pandemic. (2020). https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7351429/
4. COVID-19 News Consumption and Distress in Young People: A Systematic Review. (2022). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34990630/