Written by Tiff | A Grief Moment

The other day, I was talking with friends about childhood friendships and the people who have remained part of their lives over the years. As they shared stories about friends they had known since elementary school or high school, I realized that I could not relate to having those same longstanding connections. I had friends growing up, and those friendships mattered to me. But my childhood was different.

My father served in the Navy throughout my childhood, and moving was a regular part of our family life. We moved to different places, often about every four years. Sometimes, we moved in the middle of a school year. That meant leaving familiar surroundings, changing schools, meeting new people, and finding my place all over again.

I remember having friendships, but many were temporary because another move was always a possibility. Even as a child, I sometimes approached friendships with that expectation in mind. As early as fifth grade, I remember telling friends that they could be my friend for now because I would be moving. Looking back, I wonder how knowing that my time in a place was limited may have influenced the way I approached relationships. I cannot say for certain, but it is something I have reflected on as I think about my childhood.

This was also the 1990s, a time before social media made it easier to stay connected across distance. If I wanted to keep in touch with someone, it might mean writing a letter or sending a postcard through the mail. Staying connected took more effort, and honestly, that was not the reality I experienced with many of those friendships. I said goodbye to a lot of people and relationships as we moved from place to place. Sitting here writing this now, I can remember those connections, but I also remember that, at some point, I naturally began to hesitate before forming new bonds. I cannot say exactly when that shift happened, but I do wonder how often having to start over has influenced the way I approach friendships today.

When I think about moving, one place in particular comes to mind. I was about nine years old when I left one of my favorite places to live. Behind our home was a huge wooded trail where I would walk and climb trees. There was a youth center within walking distance, a mini mart, a softball field, a recreation center, and a bowling alley. There were friends on every corner.

That was my world. I had places to explore, people to spend time with, and the freedom to ride my bike and enjoy my surroundings. I had familiar places to go and people I could find without having to start from the beginning. It was a place where I felt a sense of freedom, familiarity, and connection.

But, like all places, it was temporary.

When adults make the decisions

Adults make decisions about moving for many reasons. A parent may receive military orders, accept a new job, need more affordable housing, move closer to family, or make a change they believe will provide a better future for their children. Sometimes, these decisions are necessary. Other times, families may have choices, but each option comes with its own challenges.

Children, however, may experience the same decision from a very different perspective.

While an adult may be thinking about employment, finances, safety, or what the family needs, a child may be thinking about the friend they will no longer see every day, the teacher they have grown comfortable with, or the playground where they spend time after school. They may be wondering whether they will fit in at a new school or whether they will ever feel at home in the new neighborhood.

The move may make sense to the adults, but that does not automatically mean the child is ready to leave.

This is an important distinction because a child can understand why a move is happening and still feel sadness about what they are leaving behind. They can recognize that a change may be necessary while also struggling with the loss of familiar people, places, and routines.

When we look at these experiences through the lens of grief, we create room to ask a different question. Instead of focusing only on whether a child is adjusting to the move, we can also consider whether the child is experiencing significant loss.

What may appear to be a practical family decision to an adult can represent the loss of an entire world to a child. That does not mean every move causes grief. It means we should be willing to consider what the change means to the child, rather than assuming that understanding the reason for a move makes leaving easier.

What does a child’s world actually consist of?

A child’s world is made up of more than the home where they sleep. It includes the people they see regularly, the places they recognize, the activities they enjoy, and the routines that help their days feel familiar.

It may be the neighbor who always waves when they ride their bike, the friend who sits beside them at lunch, the coach who encourages them, or the route they walk to school. It may be the freedom to visit a favorite playground or the comfort of knowing where they belong without having to explain themselves.

These experiences can become part of a child’s sense of security, identity, and belonging. When a family moves, several parts of that familiar world may change at once.

This is where I think it is important to consider the possibility of significant loss. When a child leaves a familiar home, a neighborhood they love, close friends, or routines that have been part of everyday life, what they are losing may be much more meaningful than adults realize. These experiences may not involve death, but they can still involve loss. And when a loss is significant to a child, it is worth asking whether the feelings that follow may include grief.

Grief is not always about death. It can also be connected to losing relationships, familiarity, routines, and experiences that have given us a sense of connection or belonging. A child who misses friends they no longer see every day, a neighborhood where they felt at home, or routines that once made life predictable may be responding to more than a change in circumstances. They may be experiencing the emotional impact of losing a familiar part of their world.

Research on residential mobility and adolescence helps illustrate why a child’s experience deserves attention. For example, a longitudinal study by Henkens et al. (2024) examined residential mobility and emotional and behavioral difficulties among adolescents. The researchers found that the adolescents’ subjective experience of moving mattered, with those who described a move as unpleasant showing a different pattern of change in emotional difficulties than those who did not experience the move as unpleasant.

This research does not establish that moving causes grief. It does, however, support the importance of looking beyond the fact that a move occurred and considering how the young person experienced it.

Not every child who moves will experience grief, and not every difficult response to change should be labeled as grief. Children may feel excited, curious, worried, sad, or several emotions at once. The important thing is not to assume grief is present, but also not to overlook its possibility simply because the loss does not involve death.

Perhaps one of the most useful questions we can ask is this: What has this child lost, what did that part of their world mean to them, and how are they experiencing that loss?

When friendships are part of what a child leaves behind

Friendships can be an important part of childhood. They offer opportunities to share experiences, develop social skills, feel accepted, and build connections outside the family. For many children, friends are part of what makes school and the neighborhood feel like home.

When a child moves, those friendships may suddenly become long-distance relationships. The people they once saw every day may now be people they rarely see in person. The child may miss ordinary things that adults do not always think about, such as sitting together at lunch, riding bikes after school, or stopping by a friend’s house.

These may seem like small details, but ordinary moments can carry a great deal of meaning. When they disappear, a child may feel the absence of a relationship that once helped make everyday life enjoyable and familiar.

Research by Vernberg et al. (2006) examined adolescents who relocated to a new community and found that relocation could be associated with temporary reductions in companionship and intimacy with close friends. The study also explored differences in how young people experienced these changes.

This is important because friendship loss is not always as simple as saying goodbye to someone. A child may still consider a person a friend, but the relationship may change because they no longer share the same school, neighborhood, activities, or daily experiences.

That change may involve a meaningful loss. For some children, the emotional response may include grief over the friendship as it used to be, even if the relationship continues in a different form.

Technology can help children remain connected after a move. Messaging, video calls, and other forms of communication may help preserve friendships across distance. Research by Wendt and Langmeyer (2021) explored communication and friendship quality among children and adolescents following residential relocation. Their findings offer insight into the role communication can play in maintaining relationships after a move.

However, staying connected online is not necessarily the same as sharing everyday life in person. A child may still talk to an old friend and miss being able to play together after school. Both experiences can be true.

As adults, we may be tempted to reassure a child that they will make new friends. And they may. New friendships can become meaningful, supportive, and lasting. But the possibility of new relationships does not erase the significance of the ones a child has left behind.

We can make room for both: the hope of forming new connections and the sadness that may accompany losing familiar ones.

When the changes keep happening

For some children, moving is an occasional event. For others, it is a recurring part of childhood.

Military-connected children, for example, may move multiple times because of a parent’s service. Other families relocate because of employment, housing costs, financial circumstances, or changing family needs. The reasons differ, but repeated transitions can mean repeatedly learning a new school, finding new friends, and becoming familiar with a new community.

Some children become comfortable with these changes. They may enjoy exploring new places, meeting people, and experiencing different environments. Others may find the process exhausting or difficult. Many may experience a mixture of both.

The important point is that repeated change can involve more than learning a new address. A child may repeatedly leave relationships, routines, and places that have become meaningful. Each transition may bring its own losses, even when the family has good reasons for moving.

When we consider the possibility of grief, we can ask whether repeated departures are affecting a child’s sense of continuity and belonging. Does the child feel connected to the new place? Do they have opportunities to maintain relationships from previous homes? Do they feel comfortable investing in friendships, or have they begun to expect that those friendships will be temporary?

I cannot answer those questions for every child. My own childhood experiences are not proof that all children who move respond the same way. But I do think they are worth asking.

A report by the Center for Public Research and Leadership and the Military Child Education Coalition (2017) examined the challenges highly mobile, military-connected children encounter during school transitions. The report drew on existing research and interviews with students, families, educators, and other stakeholders. It described academic, administrative, social, and emotional challenges associated with school transitions and offered recommendations for better support.

The report does not establish that repeated moves necessarily result in grief. It does reinforce the importance of recognizing the range of challenges children may face when their educational and social environments change.

When a child experiences repeated transitions, support should go beyond helping them learn the rules of a new school. It can also include helping them preserve important relationships, establish familiar routines, and develop a sense of connection in their new environment.

We cannot always prevent a move. But we can be thoughtful about what a child may be leaving behind and how to help them carry meaningful connections forward.

When a child’s family life changes

Changes in a child’s world do not always involve moving to a new town. Sometimes, the home remains the same, but the family relationships and routines that once shaped daily life change.

Parental separation or divorce can affect where a child lives, when they see each parent, how holidays are spent, and how family routines are organized. A child may move between two homes, spend less time with a parent, or experience changes in relationships with siblings and extended family members.

Even when adults believe a separation is the best decision for the family, the child may still struggle with what is changing.

They may miss having everyone together at breakfast. They may miss a parent who no longer lives in the home. They may feel uncertain about where they belong or worry about how their relationships will change. Some children may feel relief when family conflict decreases, while also feeling sadness about changes in family life. Others may have very different experiences.

These responses do not all mean a child is grieving. However, significant changes in family relationships and routines can involve meaningful losses, and grief may be part of how some children experience those changes.

A review by Rejaän et al. (2022) examined adolescents’ sense of belonging following parental divorce. It considered belonging across several areas of life, including family, school, peer relationships, and neighborhood. The review highlights why belonging deserves attention when family circumstances change.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has also emphasized that children’s responses to separation and divorce vary, and that family circumstances, parental conflict, and the support available to children matter (Cohen & Weitzman, 2016).

Together, these sources encourage us to consider the child’s experience rather than assuming that all children will respond in the same way.

A child does not have to reject a parent’s decision to feel the loss associated with it. They can love both parents, understand that the family structure has changed, and still grieve aspects of family life that are no longer the same.

Recognizing that possibility does not mean blaming parents or suggesting that every family change is harmful. It means understanding that a decision can be necessary for adults and still carry emotional consequences for a child.

How do we help children adjust to changes they did not choose?

We cannot always give children control over major family decisions. Adults may have to move, change jobs, separate, or make other decisions that affect the family. But we can give children opportunities to express what those changes mean to them.

One place to start is by asking questions that invite honest answers rather than directing children toward a particular feeling.

We might ask:

• What do you think you will miss most?
• What are you looking forward to, if anything?
• What worries you about this change?
• Who would you like to stay in touch with?
• Is there anything you wish could stay the same?
• What would help you feel more comfortable in the new situation?

These questions communicate that the child’s experience matters. They also give adults a chance to learn what may be most important to that particular child.

We can also look for ways to preserve continuity. Maintaining familiar routines, keeping photographs and meaningful belongings accessible, arranging calls with old friends, and helping a child find activities in a new community may provide a sense of connection.

These actions will not eliminate every difficult feeling, and they cannot restore everything that has changed. But they can help children experience some stability while they navigate a new situation.

It is also important to remember that support does not have to begin with identifying a child as grieving. Sometimes, listening is the first step. A child may need reassurance, practical help, time to adjust, or space to talk about what they miss. If their distress is persistent or begins interfering significantly with everyday life, additional support from a qualified professional may be helpful.

The goal is not to decide in advance what a child should be feeling. It is to give them room to tell us what they are feeling and respond with care.

Making room for feelings that differ from our own

Adults may look at a change and see opportunity. A new home may mean better housing. A new school may offer new experiences. A separation may reduce conflict in the household. Those possibilities can be real and important.

But a child’s emotional experience may not match the adult’s perspective.

A child may be excited about a new bedroom and still miss the old one. They may enjoy their new school and still wish they could see their former friends every day. They may understand why their family moved and still feel sad about leaving a place where they felt at home.

These feelings do not have to cancel one another out.

Sometimes, in an effort to comfort children, adults say things like, “You’ll make new friends,” “You’ll get used to it,” or “This is for the best.” These statements may be well-intentioned, and they may even turn out to be true. But they can unintentionally communicate that a child’s current feelings are something to move past quickly.

When a child is dealing with a significant loss, reassurance alone may not address what they are experiencing. They may first need someone to acknowledge what has changed and why it matters to them.

We do not have to agree with every feeling a child expresses to recognize that the feeling is real. We do not have to reverse a decision to make room for sadness. And we do not have to label every difficult emotion as grief to take it seriously.

What matters is that we resist the urge to measure a child’s experience only by our own expectations. A place that seems ordinary to us may feel like home to them. A friendship that adults view as one of many may be a child’s closest connection. A routine that appears small may have helped make their days feel safe and predictable.

When we listen without immediately correcting, dismissing, or trying to solve the feeling, we give children the opportunity to make sense of their experiences in their own way.

Recognizing losses that do not involve death

When people hear the word grief, they often think about the death of someone they love. That association is understandable, but grief is not limited to bereavement.

People can also experience grief in response to other significant losses. For children, those losses may involve relationships, familiar surroundings, routines, community connections, or a sense of belonging that has changed.

Not every move, friendship change, or family transition will lead to grief. Children are individuals, and the meaning of a loss depends in part on their circumstances and experiences. Some may adapt quickly, some may struggle, and some may experience a mixture of feelings that changes over time.

Still, we should not overlook the possibility of grief simply because no one has died.

When a child leaves a place where they felt safe and connected, it is worth considering whether they are experiencing more than the practical challenges of adjustment. When they miss the friendships and routines that once shaped their everyday lives, it is worth asking whether those changes represent significant loss to them. And when they struggle to feel at home in a new environment, it is worth exploring what they may need to rebuild a sense of belonging.

For me, reflecting on my childhood has raised questions about how repeated moves shaped my friendships and my expectations of connection. I cannot say with certainty how every experience affected me, and I would not assume that another child would respond in the same way. But I know that the places, people, and routines we leave behind can matter.

That is why I believe we need to make room for a broader conversation about grief. We can recognize that children may experience meaningful loss without assuming that every transition is harmful or that every difficult emotion is grief.

The question is not simply whether a child can adjust to a new situation. It is also whether we have taken the time to understand what they have lost, what that loss means to them, and what support they may need as they move forward.

A child can move into a new home, attend a new school, meet new friends, and build a new routine. Life can continue to grow around them. But that does not mean the world they left behind never mattered.

Sometimes, helping a child move forward begins with acknowledging what they had to leave behind.

A Grief Moment

Give yourself a moment to pause, reflect, and process.

References

Center for Public Research and Leadership, & Military Child Education Coalition. (2017). The challenges of supporting highly mobile, military-connected children in school transitions. Columbia Law School. https://scholarship.law.columbia.edu/public_research_leadership/14/

Cohen, G. J., & Weitzman, C. C. (2016). Helping children and families deal with divorce and separation. Pediatrics, 138(6), Article e20163020. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2016-3020

Henkens, J. H. D., Stevens, G. W. J. M., & de Valk, H. A. G. (2024). The relation between residential mobility and internalizing and externalizing problems in adolescence: The role of subjective moving experience, gender, and friendship quality. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 53(10), 2234–2250. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-024-02014-6

Rejaän, Z., van der Valk, I. E., Schrama, W. M., van Aalst, I., Chen, A., Jeppesen de Boer, C. G., Houtkamp, J. M., & Branje, S. (2022). Adolescents’ post-divorce sense of belonging: An interdisciplinary review. European Psychologist, 27(4), 277–290. https://doi.org/10.1027/1016-9040/a000444

Vernberg, E. M., Greenhoot, A. F., & Biggs, B. K. (2006). Intercommunity relocation and adolescent friendships: Who struggles and why? Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(3), 511–523. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.74.3.511

Wendt, R., & Langmeyer, A. N. (2021). Computer-mediated communication and child/adolescent friendship quality after residential relocation. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 30(11), 2890–2902. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-02102-2